You Keep Getting Glimpses of Awareness — Here's Why They Keep Disappearing

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r-OEkowHS0g

Video Summary

You've had the glimpse. Maybe more than once. That sudden dropping away of the sense of being a separate self — everything still there, but the me that usually stands apart from it all, gone. And then it came back. The mind returned, the identification returned, and with it the frustrating question: why can't I stay there? Why does it keep disappearing? The answer is hidden in the question itself. It's the me that's asking to get back — and the me is precisely what was absent during the glimpse. As Jim Carrey described it: it feels like riding a wave, sometimes on, sometimes off. But the wave trying to get back to water is the wrong image entirely. The wave never left the water. It was always water. The very effort to return is what keeps the return feeling out of reach.

What most teachings do well is point you toward awareness. What they rarely do is dismantle the mechanism that pulls you back out. That mechanism is the I-thought — not even always as an explicit thought, but as a sensation. With every breath in, there is a subtle sense of me. With every breath out, a sense of not me. This conditioning runs decades deep, beneath language, beneath conscious thought. It is the body-mind's most fundamental habit. And here is what changes everything: once you become aware of a habit, it is no longer a habit — it becomes a choice. The moment you can see the identification arising, you are no longer inside it. You are the one watching it. That gap — between awareness and the arising of the I-sense — is where stabilisation begins.

The permanent state is not something you achieve by trying harder. Awareness never came and never went. Every state — every thought, emotion, sensation, glimpse, confusion — arose within it and subsided within it. Nothing touches it. Nothing does anything to it. What shifts is the perspective: instead of being a person who occasionally glimpses the sky, you recognise yourself as the sky that occasionally notices the clouds. The clouds are still there. The person is still there. But you are no longer in it — you are what it all appears in. One thought in the mind and you are in the universe. No thought in the mind and you are the universe. If this points to something you've glimpsed but can't stabilise — a Clarity Call is where we look at it directly together.

Full Transcript

Sometimes I'm connected — and then I'm sucked back into the world. It's like the wave trying to get back to water. Impossible. Nondual teachings do a good job. But nobody is actually dismantling the mind and how it works. Until you get clarity on how the mind works, doubts and confusion will keep coming back.

You've had glimpses of what you truly are. There is one distinct difference between this experience and every other experience you can ever have. It's the me trying to get back — with every breath going in, there's a sense of me. If you're stuck in this trap where you have glimpses all the time, you can make it — and you should make it — a permanent state. How do you do that? Now you know about it. Now you know how it works. Now it's your choice.

You've had real glimpses of what you are. So why does the old confusion keep coming back?

At this point you know — you are awareness, you are consciousness, you are existence, you are not separate from the rest of the universe. That kind of glimpse. And all nondual teachings point to what you actually are: I am consciousness, I am awareness, I am not my body, not my thoughts, not my emotions. You have already realised that — or you have had glimpses of it. But then the mind comes back. Confusion, thoughts, doubts creep in. And you can't get back to that glimpse. Why isn't the glimpse sticking? Why isn't it permanent? Why am I not that all the time, when I know I am awareness?

Here's a real example. You've heard of Jim Carrey. On the path you must have heard his awakening experience — how he suddenly had the thought who is aware that I am thinking and was thrown into this expanse of nothingness. He says: "I wasn't a fragment of the universe, I was the universe." But then he goes on to say exactly what this question is asking. "Ever since then, I've been trying to get back there — and it feels like I'm riding a wave. Sometimes I'm on, sometimes I'm off."

Sometimes I'm connected. Everything is blissful. I know I'm not separate. Everything is perfectly beautiful, in harmony, as it should be. And then I'm sucked back into the world and I can't get back there. You can never get back there. It's like the wave trying to get back to water. Impossible. The wave is the illusion. It was always water all along. And that very trying to get back becomes the obstacle.

You've heard the example of the sky and clouds. You are awareness — like the sky — and clouds are passing by. Those are your thoughts. Now you've realised there is a sky behind the clouds — infinite — and that is what you truly are. But then the cloud machine keeps running. Clouds are still coming on. What's going on? Why don't I see the sky anymore? Sometimes the sky clears and I have a glimpse. Clouds return. Where did the sky go?

Nondual teachings do a good job of making you become aware of what you truly are. But nobody is actually dismantling the illusion. Nobody is actually dismantling the mind and how it works. And until that is clarified — doubts and confusion will keep coming back.

You've had glimpses of what you truly are. A glimpse means something that came and something that went. Like every other experience — emotional, intellectual, physical — this experience too comes and goes. But there is one distinct difference between this experience and every other experience you can ever have as a human being.

This is not the experience of an object.

It's not even the experience of the absence of objects — because the moment you have those glimpses, all the objects are still around you, as they are, as they've always been. Your body and your mind are in the same state. There's nothing new that happens there.

What it is — is the absence of identification. The absence of the ego. The absence of the sense of me. Just that one absence — and you're connected. You have the sense of me — a centralised feeling arises and says this is me, and everything else is separate, it's different. And when you're trying to get back to that experience — it's the me that is trying to get back. And the me is the problem. Only in its absence are you what you truly are.

And it may not even be the thought I am. See — our body has had decades of conditioning. This is me. I. Right now — if you take in a breath and just witness it — you'll find that with every breath going in, there is a sense of me. And with every breath going out — a sense of not me. What I am inhaling is me. What is outside is not me.

That sensation, that little movement within the body, that little movement within the mind — still has identification with this person.

So you have a cycle. If you're stuck in this trap — you have glimpses, they come and go, you try to get into that state, you can't. Either it frustrates you — or you just accept it as that's how it is. It comes and goes. But you can make it a permanent state. And you should.

How? That very sense of identification — when you identify it, when you sense it, when it becomes clear that this is what's going on — it will never bother you again. There is a good saying: once you become aware of a habit, it's no longer a habit. It's a choice. Think of the first three to five things you do when you wake up every morning — done habitually, without thinking. Once you become aware of that habit, now you have the choice. Until it was a habit, you were doing it unconsciously. Now you know about it. Now it's your choice whether you want to continue or not.

In the same way — when you have the sense of me, the identification — you realise: that's what's happening. Now you have a choice. Do I want to function as the person, or do I want to remain as I truly am?

Now picture this with the same example. From the earth, you look up, you see clouds passing, and you see the sky. You realise: I am not the person — I am the sky, the infinite awareness. And then you're having glimpses — sometimes you're the sky, sometimes you're the person. I have a glimpse and it's gone.

The permanent state would be: I am the sky. And now I have glimpses of the person — from the sky's point of view. The clouds are still passing by — but I have glimpses of the person. I get into the person. I identify with him. I do all the things that need to be done — and I'm back, resting as awareness.

Let's take a small exercise to see this practically — because we can speak endlessly about it and it will not solve anything until you experience it for yourself.

You already know that you are awareness. Let me slow down my voice. Let's calm down. All the chatter, all the words I've spoken — it's all garbage. Let's come down to reality now. Settle down.

And if you're still having problems getting into a thoughtless state — just become aware of what your next thought is going to be. It will stop.

Now that you're in this awareness — that you are, that's infinite — you realise there is no mental image in the mind, nor will there be any mental voice speaking. What you are cannot even be described. It's infinite. It's connected. It's whole. Undivided.

This cannot be got back to. The ego — the very thought that is trying to get back to this — cannot get back to this. This state never comes and never goes. It's always there. Every state comes within it — and disappears within it. All thoughts, feelings, and actions arise within this awareness and subside back into this awareness.

Awareness doesn't come and go. No emotion, no sensation, no thought, no word, no action does anything to this awareness. Awareness remains as it is.

So the question of this becoming permanent — of trying to do something to make it permanent — does not arise. The very doing, the very trying to get back here, becomes the problem.

What can you do to awareness? Nothing. What can you do for awareness? Nothing. What can you do with awareness? Nothing.

Then what's going on within this awareness? The entire play of the universe is taking place. Everything is in motion. Everything is moving. Right now within your body, the heart is beating, the lungs are breathing in and exhaling. A lot of things are going on outside as well. The world is exactly as it was five minutes ago before we started this. But right now, you are in the state of awareness. Everything seems blissful, connected, calm, still.

So why does this state not stay permanently? Why does it come and go?

It doesn't come and go. Everything comes and goes within it.

This is not the experience of any object. That doesn't mean the objects are missing — everything in front of you right now is exactly as it was five minutes ago. It's not the experience of any particular object. It's not the experience of the absence of objects. It's the experience of only one thing:

The absence of a me.

The sensation, the sense, the thought, the action, the identification that says me, I — the absence of that is oneness.

The absence of the I-thought — is the universe. One thought in the mind — and I am in the universe. No thought in the mind — and I am the universe.

So how can this stay permanently, and how can I function as the person if I'm to remain in this awareness?

Use your hand when needed. Use your legs when needed. Use your mind when needed. When it's not needed — come back to rest.

The problem with most of us is: when the body is exhausted, we do give it rest. But the mind — even when we try to rest — it doesn't seem to stop.

If we come out of this right now — if I say relax, let the mind come back — you'll find thoughts returning. And with that comes the sensation: this is me. The identification with the body and the mind immediately says: I am this — and that is not me. And now that same identification, that ego, that sense of me — that I-thought — is the one trying to get back. It can never get back.

Only in its absence — everything is already as it is.

It's like silence. I can explain silence to you a million ways — silence is the absence of sound, it's when the leaves stop rustling, it's when the insects and birds stop singing. No matter how much I talk about silence — it's only when I stop talking that silence reveals itself. It's self-revealing.

My very talking is breaking the silence.

So when you understand that — there is no problem. You can now use words as you want. You're not looking for silence with words. You're not looking for awareness with thoughts. You're not looking for it with identification.

We'll leave it at that.